I was going over decorations in my head.
Purple and gold, little caps and gowns, juice boxes, snacks with labels that say “Class of 20 whatever.”
I could already see Eric’s smile, that tiny missing tooth right in the front, the way he’d walk across that gym floor like it was Madison Square Garden.
And then, his grandmother, my fiancé’s mother, leaned over and said,
“So, when are you finally setting a date for the wedding?”
Just like that. Casual and curious.
But it knocked the wind right out of me.
I didn’t even answer. I smiled… the kind of smile people give when they don’t want to lie, but can’t tell the truth.
Because the truth is…I haven’t really been speaking to him much lately.
The man I’ve loved since I was 14.
The father of my son.
The one everyone says is perfect for me.
But my mind has been everywhere else.
More specifically, on Jenn.
She doesn’t even ask me questions. She just shows up.
With this peaceful softness.
This quiet, calming presence that wraps around my mind, and refuses to let go.
The other day, we went to the park, the one next to the water.
It had rained earlier. I’d just gotten off work, still in my black Louboutins and a pencil skirt.
I didn’t think the ground would be that muddy.
One heel sank, and I tried to laugh it off. Then it got stuck and I almost fell.
But there was Jenn in a second, reaching for me before I could stumble.
I felt her hands on my waist. Firm. Gentle.
Goosebumps rose before I could pretend it didn’t matter.
“You’re freezing,” she said.
Then she ran her hands over my arms to warm me up.
So now I’m back to planning a kindergarten graduation…
And wondering if I’m decorating for a life I’m no longer sure I want.
Is this normal? Is it just cold feet?
Or am I standing in muddy heels, wishing someone else would catch me again?