I’ve been trying not to let it show.
The way I noticed the stares.
The glances.
The subtle comments that aren’t said aloud but hang in the air like fog.
I laughed with Jenn.
Still went for lunch every Thursday.
Walked beside her like nothing had changed.
Because nothing had changed… right?
Except this growing thing inside me, I couldn’t quite name.
The way I started to feel like, just maybe, what we had wasn’t just friendship.
That maybe what I was feeling all this time wasn’t just admiration or relief.
But I didn’t want to mess it up.
Didn’t want to label it or scare it or give it the power to break me.
So I stayed quiet.
Tried to keep things the same and laugh just as loud. Smile just as big. Walk just as close.
Until today
We were sitting outside, same bench near the smoothie place.
She had her dragon tattoo out, sleeves rolled, iced drink in hand,
sunglasses perched just right.
I was listening to her talk about her weekend, nodding along.
Still distracted by the way the sunlight hit her skin and made her look almost unreal.
And then she said it.
I smiled. Automatically. Because that’s what you do.
But inside, something cracked.
A date?
My mouth said, “Oh yeah?”
But my chest said, What?
My brain said, With whom?
My heart said, Why does this hurt?
I didn’t ask questions.
I nodded, like it didn’t matter.
Like it didn’t shake something loose inside of me that I didn’t know was still that fragile.
She kept talking. I barely heard the rest.
Because in that moment, I wasn’t her friend anymore.
I was the woman who realized.
Too late, that she’d been falling for someone who was never hers to begin with.
That all those little moments… the ones I kept trying not to define…
Were moments I now wished I’d spoken up about. Claimed. Asked for.
But I didn’t.
And she went on a date.
And now, I’m the one sitting here wondering what I was waiting for.
What I’m still waiting for.
Was I too afraid of what the world would think?
Or was I just afraid of admitting what I truly want? I wonder.