Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t always this way.
And the peace I have now didn’t come without pain.
I think sometimes people assume I’ve always been like this.
Calm. Faithful. Grounded.
A woman who prays before she speaks, who keeps scripture in her heart, and holds her home together with grace.
But I wasn’t always this way.
There was a time I lived differently.
A time I was out late more nights than I care to admit.
With a wine glass in hand, loud laughter, good music, and people I thought were my people.
I thought I was enjoying myself.
I thought I was free.
But the truth was…
I was tired.
Tired of running from silence.
Tired of filling my time so I didn’t have to sit with myself.
I never felt more alone than when I was surrounded by people.
People who didn’t really know me.
People I didn’t even want to be around.
And when the music faded, when the last drink was poured, the emptiness came rushing back.
I didn’t know then that I was craving God.
I just knew I wanted more.
Eventually, life humbled me.
I got tired of searching for peace in places that only offered distraction.
Tired of wearing masks.
Tired of trying to control outcomes and healing through avoidance.
And that’s when I turned to God.
I wasn’t holy, but I was hungry.
And something shifted.
Living the way God called me to live didn’t make life easier.
But it made life make sense.
My heart got lighter.
My day got brighter.
The people who left made room for the ones who loved me for real.
And even on the hard days, I didn’t feel alone.
Because God was there.
Not there to judge me for where I’d been, but welcoming me home.
Now, when I start to feel low and the world feels bland, heavy, or distant.
I know what it means.
It’s time to get closer.
To stop scrolling, striving, and get still.
Because the peace I have now, I want to protect it.
And whenever I feel like I’m drifting,
I don’t panic.
I just pray.
Because I remember what it felt like to be full of everything except peace.