You know that feeling when you’re not bitter, just not interested, and ready to trust ‘good guys’ again.
That’s where I am at now.
They flirt.
Hold doors.
Have great jobs.
Ask about my kids.
Compliment my smile.
No baby mama drama.
Say all the right things in all the right tones.
Call me beautiful without making it sound like a punchline.
And mean it.
Some of them even say they love kids and want to settle down.
And I believe them.
But I don’t feel it.
No spark.
Not a pull.
Not even a flicker of curiosity.
And that confuses me sometimes,
Because isn’t this what I said I wanted?
A man who’s kind.
Who listens.
Who doesn’t disappear at the first sign of inconvenience.
So why does it feel like background noise?
Why do I smile politely, say thank you, and keep it moving?
Is it because I’m still tired?
Maybe it’s because I’ve met men who seemed “perfect” on paper but shredded me behind closed doors.
I may be scared of getting hopeful again.
I think I’ve just outgrown the idea that a man, no matter how sweet, stable, or serious, can fix the kind of loneliness that lives deep inside me.
I’m not bitter.
I don’t hate men.
I’m not closed off to love forever.
But right now?
I’m not seeking “potential.”
I don’t want someone else’s expectations.
I don’t want to mold myself into the shape of someone’s dream girl just because he looks like husband material.
Because I know what it costs to bet on the wrong man.
I know what it feels like to put hope in someone’s hands only to watch them fumble it like it was nothing.
So maybe this isn’t about my exes.
Maybe this is about me finally choosing myself, even when something looks “right” from the outside.
What do you do when someone checks all the boxes, but you still don’t want to hand them the pen?
Is it fear?
Or is it wisdom?
I’m still figuring that out.